Becoming a conscious mother

My son Haakon represented his school in the Nevada County Spelling Bee a month ago.  When he told me about it, I was proud Mama.  He’s always been a good speller and I often wondered if he would ever compete in a Spelling Bee.  I never mentioned my thoughts to him. I didn’t know if Spelling Bees were even a thing anymore.  What is the quandary here? 

 How does your child know that he is enough all on his own without external awards, medals and prizes.  How does he know that you love him just for who he is in a world in which external validation, competition and awards infiltrate our culture? 

 Are we molding our children to be part of this insane culture where we value academic success, money and material wealth.  My kids go to a mainstream school, so they are exposed to these values every day.  We ask our kids to fit into certain molds, and we award them for 1, 2, 3rd place in many competitions, both sports and in academics. 

 My son said several times he wasn’t going to go, yet I made him do it anyway.  He is highly sensitive, based on the work of by Elaine Aron.  Generally speaking, highly sensitive kids do not like to have an audience. I made him do it anyway.  I told him that in our family, we don’t give up.  Deep in my heart, it didn’t matter to me if his team won. What is more important for me, is that a challenge was placed in front of him, and it is my job as a conscious parent to ensure that he rises to the occasion, and to do this without emphasizing the competition.

 Then comes the bragging. I mean who doesn’t show off their kids because you are so proud them.  But we don’t brag about them when they have meltdowns and tantrums? What message are we sending them? I need to perform for my parents to recognize me? I need to do well as school for my parents to be proud of me?

 We watched the movie, Akilah and the Bee, while we were prepping for the spelling Bee.  The protagonist, Akila is an African American girl who comes from a disadvantaged socio-economic background and makes it all the way to the national spelling bee championship.  Her main competition is a Chinese boy named Dylan, whose father has been grooming him for the spelling bee for what seemed like his whole life.  Dylan is unhappy and has no friends. He risks his father’s approval if he doesn’t win.  

 I too am Chinese, yet I am no “Tiger Mom”, a term coined by the book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua.  (Full disclosure, I only listened to an interview about the book, and I have not actually read the book.)  The google definition of a Tiger mom states

 “a strict or demanding mother who pushes her child or children to high levels of achievement especially by using methods regarded as typical of childrearing in China and other parts of East Asia; a tiger mother.”

 But why am I not a Tiger mom?  I am not strict and demanding.  I used to joke about me being the opposite of the Tiger mom.  My kids don’t play instruments, they participate in very few team sports, and I don’t double check their homework.   Did I make this conscious choice, or is it because I cannot fully show up as a mom and help my kids reach their full potential? 

 Actually, I really don’t have many answers.  What I do know is that n this sacred parenting journey, what I have struggled with is how my past childhood trauma has negatively impacted my parenting 40 years later.   How have I not shown up for my kids and not believed in them?  

It shows up as severe anxiety and fear of failure. I have in the past never pushed my kids to do anything tough because I am the one that cannot handle failure, not them. I guess I’m lucky because they are smart and talented and that’s gotten them pretty far in life despite their mother’s issues. My severe anxiety makes me contracted, and unable to handle the emotions that comes with the ups and downs of competition for my kids.

 Last year, my son really showed me though.  He and his twin sister were asked to do a martial arts performance at his friend’s funeral, and the thing that may have stopped him was my own anxiety over his performance. At the young age of 9, despite hating public performance as a highly sensitive child, he was able to really give his friend a good send off, despite me.

 I work hard every day at being a better mother, a conscious mother, conscious doctor, and overall, just a good person.  My severe anxiety got me through the first half of my life, driven to succeed in medical school, residency and all my external world accomplishments. But it did not help me as a parent.  Our star babies choose to come to us to make us better humans.  They themselves are born perfect. I know because I have delivered thousands of them.

 I have used entheogens, psychedelics and have had tons of therapy on this journey of motherhood. Without the assistance of these sacred medicines, I probably would not push them to do anything and be fine with them being just okay.  My day would be so consumed with my own negative energy and bringing my kids down into my own trauma that there would have been very little left over for them to grow to their full potential.  I would be consumed by my work, tricking myself with my ego that my work is so important and then pay someone else to take care of my kids.  In fact, my friend Joe jokes about the 50K I spent getting pregnant, and then spent even more money avoiding motherhood and paying someone else to raise my kids.

 So there really is something valid in being a Tiger Mom and I aspire to be that Tiger mom, not so my kids have some sort of external Western world success, money and fame, but rather so that they know perseverance, courage and strength; so they know both success and failure; so they know love, self-worth, compassion and self-compassion; and so that they know who they truly are, not what someone else, including us parents, have labeled them to be.   

 I think my daughter sums up parenting best in the following example.

 She is in the Nutcracker this year.  Some of you know this because I have posted it several times on social media.  I had what I thought was a great idea to have her professionally photographed.  I asked her about that idea, and she said to me “Why can’t you just use your phone, Mom?” She reminded me of what was truly important.  All I need is you Mom, nothing more, nothing less.  Now, dear daughter Madelaine, can I fully show up as your mom?